• Rose

Depression and Work

Updated: Dec 4, 2020

I was 2 hours late to work and that wasn’t the first time, I’ve been late often since my world crumbled. The difficult decision I have to make is do I tell them it’s because I can barely manage to get myself out of bed and shower, that I’m afraid to fall asleep every night bc I know I will have to find the motivation yet again to roll out of bed, and that when I’m not at work I stay in my room for days sleeping and barely showering. The only silver lining is that I never have more than one load of laundry a week and yet I still let the clean clothes pile up on my closet floor until the mound reaches about 2’.

In the beginning, I decided not to tell anyone and just pick up food for everyone as an apology (which got expensive) allowing them to think that I’m one of those people who stay up late playing video games and hit snooze 10 times. My reasoning was:

  1. My personal life and my kids’ personal lives are none of their business

  2. I wasn’t the only one late all the time so I kinda blended in with the other “shitbags”

  3. How will they perceive me if I do tell someone?

My biggest fear is that they will see me differently. I don’t want pity or false empathy, I couldn’t handle being moved to a different place because feeling like they needed me there was the only thing keeping me coming. I finally did tell my superior because I was selected for deployment and I didn’t think that would be a good plan for my healing process. They now have an understanding of what is going on, but my peers do not which makes things difficult still.

Personally, I want out of the Navy for several reasons but am afraid I wouldn’t be able to sustain steady employment. If I had any other job I’d have been fired several times. Therefore, I am afraid of how I will survive outside of the navy and, at the moment, just staying afloat in the Navy. I have a year and a month to decide, but in the meantime I am seeking professional help to work on my performance and mental health.

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