I met a person whom I enjoyed being around very much. Things went pretty fast and within a week he asks to “define the relationship”. 😬 At that point I knew everything was ruined no matter what his stance on the matter was. He is significantly younger than me, which always happens, and I don’t feel I have anything to offer him long term other than a stable loving relationship. There are several reasons I don’t talk to many guys my age but that would be a different topic and you’re welcome to ask, but right now I want to concentrate on the feelings of inadequacy.
You see, I cannot have anymore children and that alone has caused a lot of pain in my heart for a very long time. I knew the moment he asked the question I’d have to end it because if I didn’t I’d take everything wonderful and good away from him. I don‘t date anyone unless I see them as a potential mate for life and if this guy were to be with me he’d never be a dad, never have someone to share a lot of first experiences with, and never feel like the “man” in the relationship since he was already feeling inadequate due to the age gap. So it ended.
However, it’s not the end for me. I continue to have those same thoughts no matter what someone’s age is. I am a lot to handle; I get extremely depressed and don’t know how to get out of bed, sometimes depression comes out as anger, and anxiety creeps along just to add icing to the cake. It would take an extremely strong minded person to make me feel secure and for him to be able to handle the baggage that I bring along.
I feel like a burden to anyone that resides in my life. And that is usually when the suicidal thoughts come to play. My mind tells me you ruin everything you touch, the best thing you will ever do on this earth has already been done and that was to be a vessel to bring 3 other lives into the world. I was tainted from the beginning, like a princess going to marry her prince but gets raped on the way and the world tosses her aside because she is no longer pure. Sure, everyone feels compassion for her, but no one wants her as their wife, daughter in law, mother to their grandchildren... I am that princess who never even had a chance to meet the prince that could have been. My life was ruined and I struggle with that pain everyday. I am a stepping stone for others to make it to their true destiny. So what happens if I were to just sink to the bottom of the lake? Would there be another stone to help others cross? Would it leave such a significant gap that it prevented anyone from crossing? Even if I left a gap that big, you could build a bridge. So why is it so important for me to stay here in this kind of mental turmoil?
Why can’t I disappear from the earth and have people say, “Well, at least she is no longer suffering“. The answer is, I stay because as long as I can lift my head out of the water I can see what I created, I can be there for the children that I love so very much when they need what I never had, a strong constant in this world of chaos. I live for my offspring. My love for them is stronger than the pain that I feel from the demons that were planted in my soul. I don’t know if I will ever be an individual person with substance, but I do know that it is important to wait around for someone to need me.
I would love to find a “true love” but I am afraid that does not exist. Therefore, the logical plan is to work at becoming a participating individual in this world. By doing that, I hope that I can find my true identity and have more to offer when I meet a person that will return the same amount of love that I always share.