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Surviving Depression in an Empathetic and Insensible World Welcomes You
My life shared
I always wanted to make my mark in the world but how? I have no talents, I’m a nobody, I’ve just been a mother most of my life and not even a very good one. Then I realized that I am actually this strong superhuman person who should have faltered several times throughout my life and maybe, just maybe I can use my experiences to touch a strangers life and make THE difference for them. Subscribe below to follow my journey in the search for true happiness.
A brief history about me
Keep in mind there was good amongst the bad, but this is about depression not my entire biography.
My parents were divorced when I was 3 so we had the typical every other weekend with my mom. Before the age of 7 (I think) I had nothing but normal childhood memories; however, that all changed the moment my uncle moved in with my mom. When I visited her on the weekends he would come to my room at night and take me to his bed. You’d think I got an escape when I was with my dad, but you would be wrong. While I was there, my older brother would “play” with me which included time behind locked doors.
Jump to the age of 15. I lost my virginity to a new boyfriend mostly because I didn’t know how to say no. That same year I was trying to keep the peace in a domestic situation and ended up sitting in the car with a drunk 30 something year old man. He started driving, I said I had to pee, and he pulled in to a hotel because, “this is the only place I could think to let you use the bathroom”. I knew what was happening but I didn’t know how to get myself out of the situation. Cell phones were not a common thing then. Deductive reasoning will lead you to what happened.
At 16 my favorite sister went off the deep end with her drug addiction and I was unaware what was happening in her life. She took me shopping with her new boyfriend and ended up asking me to make a video with the two of them. She was extremely good at manipulation but I managed to say no and avoided that scenario. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I was out drinking with my friends and we crossed paths with my sister one night. I was wasted and she forced me to stay with her because my friends and I were out drinking and driving. That night I barely remember, but she got her way without my consent.
My boyfriend got me pregnant at 17 and we got married and had 2 other beautiful children before I turned 21. This was an extremely abusive relationship where he threatened to kill me and throw my body to the alligators. He went to prison and I began to turn my life around for my children. I left every friend I had ever known and moved to a different city to live with my dad. Btw my dad is the most amazing, supportive father and I don’t know where I’d be without him.
I succeeded in changing my life. I would never let a man treat me that way again. Although, there were still the men that pretended to love you but left after a few nights of fornication which further diminished my ability to trust anyone. After 3 divorces in total, a bachelors degree, and 10 years of self improvement, I joined the Navy. I was happy for once even though it was short lived. An incident happened that triggered everything from the past and here I am today up at 0430 starting this blog because I can’t sleep.
What does all that have to do with depression? I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I feel like my fear of the world and people caused me to alienate myself, having children early led to me not having an identity, and a constant disappointment to my mother made me feel like I had to be perfect.
I managed alright and performed well at work mostly due to my OCD and perfectionism. But when work was no longer my “safe” place, everything That kept me strong crumbled. It took the one Doctor that noticed something was wrong to keep me afloat in a sea of uncertainty and I clung to him as if he were the only raft in the ocean I was drowning in.